Apparently Anna had livejournal tell me I need to update. I had no idea you could do that. Hmm, got a really good score on the boards and I started my clinical years. Psych was ok, but I am having so much fun right now in internal medicine that I don't know where I will end up. Craig and I are still together celebrating two years together. I moving to Fresno in a couple weeks to bust out some rotations there. Everything else in between is the random conflicts I've had with various residents/interns/attendings which I eventually get over and move one from. I do continue to fixate on those things for a good while longer than I ought to. I've tried not to let my neuroses bleed onto public forums so much anymore, but I can if anyone is really interested.
so how about that for a quick note to catch people up to speed.
I'll try to write something more substantial later.
Michelle

I am so fucking sick! Sorry Pauline and Emily for not being able to make it to the show. I actually drove by Brainwash Cafe but there was no parking and I was getting incredibly lost that I thought it was best that I go home. Later than night I went the wrong way down a one-way street. Yay!
On Friday I slept for almost 18 hours and I was running a low grade fever, so I decided to go to the doctor's office. Only problem is that student health is closed on weekends and the urgent care clinic was also closed, or so I am told. I wound up going to the ER, something I feel very guilty about since there are so many other people with actual emergencies. Seriously, though I needed to be seen...I have never felt this bad in my entire life. So I go in and get my vitals checked...all normal except for a high heart rate, all that sleeping didn't leave me time to push fluids. I get a script for antibiotics and cough syrup with codeine, but then I get a diagnosis slip saying that I was diagnosed with a "cold." I feel so stupid to have wasted their time, but I think this was way more than a cold. So now I have to justify my visit to the ER with this "cold" diagnosis. I think I had a viral URI at some point then along the way I picked up a bacterial super-infection. Sucks.
I am just hoping I feel well enough to start my rotations on Monday. While I do have a Dr's note ready if I need it, I will be so behind if I don't make it that first day.

So I took the test last Friday. I have never been so nervous in all my life. The night before I was bawling on the phone. Then there was the dry heaves in the morning. Finally I got to the testing center an hour earlier than my appointment, so they couldn't accomodate me until someone left. A little bit later they tell me I can start...cool thing is the only available terminal was an isolated room reserved for disabled people (I'm not sure whether that was good luck on my part, or a judgement call by them). Anyway, I was on my own with no other test takers, so it was very chill. The whole thing was remarkably easy, and as usual medical students exaggerate everything. Sure I needed to study that long, but it's not impossible. I hope I get a good score :)
I'm in bakersfield now, just relaxing. i bought a car yesterday...it's a 2001 Chevy Malibu. I know, not a honda or toyota but this was the best I could find in terms of milage and condition. Plus I am now realizing the great advantages of a V6 engine. Craig and I are going to drive it up to San Francisco on Friday, but I'm afraid to drive it in the bad weather. If it keeps up, he'll be driving my car up there.
thanks for all the good thoughts.
Michelle
P.S. I'm writing this entry from a mac...not bad, wish I had one.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060406/sc_nm/space_uranus_dc

Date:	2006-04-03 22:30
Subject:	AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Security:	Public
Mood:	scared

I have a fucking huge exam on Friday! Please wish me luck everyone! I guess I shouldn't be all that afraid, no matter how poor the results, I am still going to be a doctor...in Siberia, maybe.
After that test I start doing my rotations, my first one is Psychiatry/Neurology. Should be pretty interesting and I hope it solves a problem I have been having which is: Should I do psych or medicine? Hopefully after the first few blocks I should have this all sorted out. I do look forward to a change though, I'm sick of being indoors studying...but then again do I want to be knee deep in vomit or pee? I guess there's no pleasing me. No really, I need to move on from the book-learnin.
Anyway, this is what's up with me.
No, wait! I am buying a car next week! I just received the funds for it not too long ago, so I'll be searching during my week off.
Yay! Finally!
And to think my dad took this exam while working, married with one kid...

Date:	2006-02-25 21:53
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	optimistic

I have come out of hiding to talk about my love for Colin Firth/Mark Darcy. I decided to celebrate my last formal medical school class by renting Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason also because I finished the reading the book. Clearly not as good as the original film, but Colin Firth/Mark Darcy is still very sexy. That alone made the whole thing worth it. The expressions he has on his face make me absolutely melt. You must see!! Anyway, I also should tell you all that my boyfriend's band is playing LA March 4. I'll post the details here as soon as he gives them to me (he's kind of ambivalent about advertising this show in any way) Also, I am likely to go into further seclusion as I study for my boards (part I of III!). Remember the MCAT? It's like that but worse and I have less time.
Hope to hear from you all soon.
very much missing Los Angeles,
Michelle

This is a very strange part of my life. I've been hit on more in the past month than at any other time in my life. Here's the strange part.
They're normal!
They are not mentally ill (as far as I can tell)
They do not have any developmental delays (as far as I can tell)
Some of them are good-looking!

Where the hell were these people when I was in college!

Check this out...a girl from my class went to high school with "the tree." How did I find out? She mentioned she lived in his hometown, so I asked. Apparently he was extremely well-liked and was prom king and what not. I was hoping to hear he was a pathetic geek in high school, but we all know that wasn't going to happen.
Right now I am extremely stressed. I do have a test but really it's a combination of things. 1) The school notified me that I am nominated for a $10,000 scholarship (yay!) Oh yeah, i have to do the essays, get an official transcript and a letter of rec by this friday. I also made plans to visit Craig after my test tomorrow so my deadline is actually Thurs. 2) I've got to pack 3) I have my cancer final tomorrow.
Still optimistic, though. I just have to get through the exam and I should be fine after that.
I have a research proposal due Monday...but I think that will be ok as I finished everything required on my end.

A few months we had a lecture on altitude illnesses by a doctor who works in a clinic in Nepal. He talked about how 90 pound kids would lug their 100 pound gear for two dollars, and they let them provide this service because 2 dollars American means a lot in their economy. While I understand that, here's an interesting epiphany...how about giving the kid the two dollars and additionally paying someone who can actually carry this stuff. just a thought.
So I bring up this fact in a small group, and a students who has been to Peru says the natives do very much the same thing for a few dollars because "that's a lot of money in Peru" Um, yeah I bet most of my relatives would sooner tell him to kiss their collective asses than carry his shit up a mountain.
I just have these moments when I look around and wonder where the hell these people came from. For instance, in class we had a 60 year old man talk about his experience with prostate cancer. During his talk, he had this nervous laugh which resulted in quite a few people laughing at him. This to me was extremely rude. Apparently they need to be warned that a real person is on stage; it's not a film clip.
They also do this sort of thing in lecture. Right after it's over and the lecturer is still at the podium you can hear people say "worst lecture ever" and the like.
Plus at another point we had an acted out clinical encounter in which a physician said something like "well it looks like you didn't have an MI and your pulmonary infiltrates are improving so you most likely had a pneumonia." The actress portraying the patient appeared confused-end scene. We were then asked what happened and not one of them could see how a patient with no formal medical knowledge and with english as her second language would not understand what her doctor said. Furthermore, they contributed the confused face to pain.

Well, I guess its in these areas that I make a contribution to the class...it's certainly not a sciency-intellectual type contribution but an important one just the same.

Date:	2005-03-19 21:10
Subject:	Check out channel 9, it's the breast exam!!!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay

Yup that's what I did today. I learned how to do the breast exam. Ladies, you should all be doing yours every month, preferably 15 days post period.

Also, I have always wondered what part of me is Peruvian in nature. Does my parent's culture in any way resemble who I am?
Well, here's something that says these are, in fact, my people.

http://www.radioheadperu.com/news/

I have about 20 minutes until my cancer exam and of course I'm freaking out. Anyway, this brings me to my nostalgia moment when Jennifer and Emily would both look very worried because they thought I was going to puke.
Oh Emily, and anyone else who might be interested, the new Beck album is out March 29. Also, the new stereophonics (which comes out the same day) is also quite good :)

It's been a couple years now since we graduated and I haven't changed one bit.
Michelle

My boyfriend thinks "one headlight" by the wallflowers is about breast cancer.
I love him.

Just took my first test as a medical student...I think I failed it. No, not a B which would have pissed me off as an undergrad. I mean I did not make the minimum requirements to progress to the next level. Ok, they won't kick me out I just have to do some supplementary work and no one will ever know unless I tell them. Anyway, this is me we are talking about and I'm sure most of you can tell the very bad psychological aftermath that will befall me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know there's a lot of material and there's no way I can know it all, but it's something else. I feel like I've lost some of my mental alacrity, like my brain atrophied in Florida. I think this may have to do partly with nerves...I am seriously considering seeing someone about this because it's not normal even for me. Sigh, I just want a day when I feel I've done something right. I hope my follow up to this post contains the sentence, "I am such a dumbass, I passed with flying colors."
Here's to the future, which hopefully can mold me into a competent and less nervous doctor.

P.S.
I saw Sharon Stone in Starbucks today. Really, I did.

I apply my personality as a paste.
Yes, i am still alive. Just have no time to post as of late. I miss you all. See you New Years hopefully.

Actually I've been gone for a while now, nearly a month. I'm slowly getting acquainted with all those things lacking in Florida...vegans, protesters, activists, homeless people, people under the age of 100, mexican people, asian people. Not that these are mythical creatures in a magical land, it's just I never saw any of these people in FL. In theory I should be well into my research on conduct disorder, but I mostly sit on my ass all day. My PI is on vacation and left me nothing to do, so I rent movies take care of the little details before school starts like vaccinations and financial aid. Sounds carefree, but a neurotic like me needs a hobby to take her mind off of herself. I am trying to get out to see the city, but I feel like I need a partner in all this, having never done anything by myself before...go to a movie, go out to dinner, etc. My roommates are pretty cool people (some of the time, they are on a hectic rotation system and sometimes bite my head off unexpectedly) Ok that last point does bug me...that kind of resentment and maltreatment is the kind of thing reserved for family and good friends only.
I do love the house though...it's a 3 bed 2 bath and it's really cute. I don't want to move but if I can't find 2 other people to take over the lease in the fall, I may have to. I put up ads on the UCSF web site and just recently craigslist. Please God no psychos.
I have this awful feeling that I am going to be the class pariah when I start. I don't know why...maybe because I go entire days without talking to anyone (ok over the phone I talk plenty) So a big thanks to those who call me and keep me sane (somewhat).
I'm going back to Bakersfield next week for 5 days and I cannot wait. You read right, I prefer Bakersfield to San Francisco at this moment.
I have a killer headache, so now it's time to end this post and my suffering with a much needed excedrin.

I'm working on moving to SF by July...and barely managing. I had to submit a research proposal by 5pm. The professor supervising the research, hopefully, faxed it in on time. Anyway, I've been told it's not too difficult to get in, since most people would rather live it up in the last few months before medical school. It'll probably work out, and I should be happy right?

Surprise, I've found something to bother me. Every time I submitted a draft, the professor would return a "revision" that did not resemble my writing at all. Perhaps he's in the wrong there...because every example of a "good" proposal was written so that anyone could read and understand it. The one he wrote reads like something that belongs in a scientific journal. So, I may lose out because of it. Anyway, I feel like I'm losing IQ points by the minute and then I have an academic completely throw out my writing. I just have this big fear that when I start school I'm going to be called the "questionable admit." Maybe it's an irrational fear, but I still need to get out and use my mind for once.

Hmm, I'm tempted to agree after he didn't sign my ticket after the show.
http://www.blogjam.com/blur/
Just kidding, I'll always love Damon.
Tip: Do not play with the sound on in public :)

Date:	2004-05-10 23:53
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious
Music:	The new Shins album

Without going into justifying or condemning the war in Iraq, I am disgusted with the treatment of Iraqi prisoners. I brought this up with the pharmacist, and he replies with "it's no different than what frat boys routinely do to each other." Hmm, I don't think you can dismiss human rights violations by pointing out the latent homosexual tendencies of our fraternity system.
I think what pisses me off most is that he thought a comment as stupid as that one would end the conversation.

I want to go back to california.

OK, I'm decided. I now know where I am going. This may upset some people (or at least tell me that, so I feel loved) but I am going to UCSF in the fall. I just got back from their revisit weekend, and I loved it. Faculty, students, San Francisco are all wonderful. What really struck me most is how willing everyone is to work with you...which is a huge change from UCLA where I was rejected from every form of research because I was not PhD bound.

Comparing the students I met in SF versus the ones I met in LA, the kids in san francsico tend to be a little older, more experienced, and a lot more interesting. Therein lies the dilemma: how does someone as boring as myself make an in with these people? I haven't made a new friend in a long long time and I'm really afraid of the transition period all by myself. Kids are pretty social but I could already see myself a little cut off because I'm not a flaming extrovert. That really came across on the tour of San Francisco. I haven't really seen all the touristy/landmark parts of SF since I was a kid, so I was a little quiet while I took everything in...I mean especially the gravity of my moving 3000 miles from my family for four years to a place where I know no one. I was asked a couple times "you ok? you alright?" etc. I was thinking "geez can't I have a little quiet time without someone thinking I'm asocial?" I did go to a really fun party on Saturday, and once the alcohol kicked in, I was very social. I also met a really nice guy named Zach. Don't worry, he shares nothing with a certain UCLA idiot.

So, despite these social obstacles ahead...which I think are managable considering I managed to find some good people when I went to UCLA...I think I will have a great future ahead both professionally and personally. Not to mention I will have freedom to live without a car and not feel trapped. Yet, I still can't bring myself to turn in the withdrawl letter from UCLA...I think I will make a few phone calls first.